I mentioned a lot of our "Cons" in previous posts and they are important ones (private school, the psychological thud of 10 years of teens and 40 years of kids, far fewer vacations, pregnancy, infancy...). But there are a couple I didn't really list. And they feel bigger.
One is fear. This was alluded to in a comment on a previous post. Fear is giant. Fear of another early loss. Fear of a later loss. Fear of finding out something is terribly wrong and having to go through the decision to abort. Fear of not finding out something is wrong and giving birth only to discover something is wrong. Fear of something big but invisible being wrong down the line.
Yes, things can go wrong with any of us at any time. But I just know too many stories now. Creating a child, carrying it to term and bringing it into the world are all terrifying prospects to me.
But we might have been able to move past that, as most people must, with our heads down in a firm state of denial.
The other is my stupid fibromyalgia. Today I am hurting, so I can say that it seems unimaginable that I would bring more work into my home life. Right now, I am grateful beyond belief, grateful every second, because as I sit on the couch and type this to distract myself, Wes is upstairs putting kiddo to bed. And he gets that I am in wormy pain and can barely cope and need to check out and sit still. And thank god. But if there were another squirmy child needing attention.... no couch break. No checking out. Yes, some distraction is found in children, but a LOT of physical movement, labor, and strength is required. And those things waste me. They make pain happen. I walked home today, pushing Beckett's stroller, gritting my teeth against the arm worms and focusing, HARD, on this moment after dinner and playtime when I would be able to sit still. And now I can.
Honestly, I am in pain a lot still. And I feel guilty a lot. I feel like a crap mom a lot. I feel so sad for my boy that he got such a lame mom who often can't do all the things he wants to do. He got a sucky deal. And sometimes I do feel like it was unfair to him, that it was insanely selfish of me to create him into a family with only one physically healthy parent. I hate that I am a sick mom, a mom who he will remember as sititng on the sidelines of the play instead of being in it with him.
NEVER MIND that I don't even actually enjoy playing all that much. NEVER MIND that I actually think some parents actually play with their kids a little too much, filling them with the sense that their every movement and idea is of incredible, priceless value and all adults should stand at attention because of their brilliance. Don't try to be logical when I am very busy being down on myself for my lameness. And don't worry. I snap out of it.
BUT... I could probably have plowed through fibro with a wall of denial, as well. That wasn't even on our "Cons" list!
I hope to get my lovely Keynote presentation to turn into a movie I can share here. But I made it on an iPad. And there is a bit of trouble getting it off there because I don't have Keynote at home. And it feels weird to work on it at work. I will solve this dilemma but it might take time. I will only be sharing it in the interest of fully showing the process. The Keynote was made more than 2 weeks ago when the decision actually felt hard.
It doesn't feel hard anymore. It's felt firm for 4 days and counting. And I will share that story, too.
SPOILER: It's still a no.
Recent Comments